Aura's Introspective: The extent of defense.

Today, I got rather defensive towards people that I care about, and this is not the first time I have done so. Far from it; I am generally able to count down my own defensive and angry episodes-even when I myself do not feel angry-to at least once-a-month at times. While I am generally a person who tends to be well-meaning, friendly and a little wacky, I do not mean to get mad. On many occasions, I do not even sense my defensive nature until it is too late.

This cycle must stop. These emotions are causing me to remain in a comfort zone of limited apathy and more defined damage to myself on a physical and mental level, not to mention to my family, where despite the fact that they have their own demons, it does not excuse me from my own actions and development as a human being, which is a never-ending process.

The first thing to do with any situation is to explore the basic areas through analysis; whilst I have been looking for jobs and currently do have a part-time one, I still enjoy having bad foods. I have mentioned this before; I enjoy both good and bad food, and that will not stop despite any changes I make. I refuse to let that happen because I do enjoy my life-I do not have self-esteem issues and I do work hard-and removal of those things that do help me to enjoy it are accounts of where I attempt to defend myself. Removal of such things that I enjoy-friends, food, games-is a account of my defensive nature. It is also a removal from my comfort zone, which I have talked about at length with my closest friend, and am trying to broaden.

The reason I got defensive was because of that feeling that the things I enjoy in life were threatened-much like a King in chess being checked. My initial response is to enter a defensive stance out of two motivations:

1) The person who has said/did those things is trying to hurt me, by my mindset. (I am willing to admit that I may be unable to recognize that they are not by either not listening or that they read my thoughts/actions wrong, but it is clear that my mindset matters as much as theirs.)

2) A preventative measure designed to prevent such feelings from happening again. This is usually successful, only because I recognize they are not trying to hurt me in the first place, but that latter strategy is one I have yet to devise.

This tends to lead to yelling and bad feelings all around. While many things are unclear about this, there are some clear answers.

a) Only eat bad foods-which I may still enjoy-on Wed.
b) Like times before, attempt to recognize that people are not attempting to hurt me, and while I might not be hurting them, either my inaction or action may be doing so without my knowledge.
c) Learn to breathe and take things less seriously. There is too much in this world that we have to take seriously that we'll burn ourselves out trying. ^__^

That being said? PIE.

Or.....

Take you pick, friends.